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You might be a physics major if ...

1. You find yourself uttering with complete comprehension a sentence that you heard a stereotypical scientist-type say on a sitcom once, and which you thought was gibberish.

2. You take personal notes in the fortran language.

3. When you hear Delta, you don't think airlines.

4. When you have a deadline, you work at the spot on campus farthest from the equator to use relativity to your advantage.

5. You believe that writing the sentence "The signifier bears no relation to the signified," as [signifier, signified] not = 0 makes sense.

6. You catch yourself pondering angular momentum while you're high.

7. A Quantum Leap is a field of study, not a television show.

8. You smile when you read/hear the line "Three quarks for Muster Mark!" from James Joyce's Finnegans Wake.

9. You've ever quoted one of Newton's Laws to make a point.

10. Liquid nitrogen just isn't cold enough.

11. You point it out every time Star Trek scriptwriters violate the fundamental physical laws.

12. You have worn the "Nerd Pride" ribbon, which consists of a log-log graph paper pattern on a white ribbon.

13. You have had occasion to write every letter of the Greek alphabet, but you've never taken a Greek class.

14. You have heard and understood a joke about Heisenberg.

15. You have heard, understood and laughed at a joke about Heisenberg.

16. You drool at the sight of a laser.

17. You think a telephone operator is part of an equation.

18. You've ever insulted someone by saying, "Oh, go spin-orbit-couple with yourself!"

19. You've ever interpreted the tongue-twister "She sells csh's by the C shore"

20. Your CD collection contains more files and programs than music.

21. You have found yourself talking to your laboratory experiments as if they were some of your best friends.

22. You've posted the Chart of the Nuclides on the wall in your room.

23. You're an American and you think in metric units.

24. You've ever discovered a "new" physical principle only to find it in the next chapter of your textbook.

25. You go to Europe and spend the entire time in a lab.

26. You recognize the magic nucleus numbers on sight.

27. Your cat's name is Schroedinger.

28. You've been using calculus for at least a quarter of your entire life.

29. That doesn't bother you.

30. Matrices are your friends.

31. One of your suggestions has made it onto this list.

32. You own and proudly wear a t-shirt with physics quotes on it.

Last-minus-one: You've laughed at any of the above.

Last: You understood more than half of the above.

More to come, as I think them up. If you have any suggestions, please mail them to me, and if I think they're funny, I'll be happy to include them. Attributions granted upon request. Help me make this the funniest and most complete "You might be a physics major if..." page on the web!

I should note here that I've received a couple dozen entries which haven't made it onto the list yet, much to my chagrin. Yeah, it's been years in some cases. Yeah, I'm a schmuck. Everything will be fixed shortly.

My thanks to Sam Moore for items 18-24.


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